Shortstories

An OK story touching on lameness. A landlord finds fulfillment through drugs (or somesuch). His fulfillment is neither peace, nor happiness...

A media satire. 

The Wrecks - a race of con-artists - live amongst the humans. But interracial relationships are "unthinkable". Is every outstanding con-artist a "wreck" ? A difficult question for a "wreck" girl in love with the greatest swindler on earth.

How come none of the alien cultures seem to be interested in making contact with us, asks Gregory Smirnov. Maybe our conversation topics are too dull ? So the first intergalactic lonely hearts channel is set up.

A bit longwinded and obvious story about a giant picture with unearthly properties.

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John Penandrew, one of the men, who know everything, decides to live forever. 

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  Professor Aloys Foulcault-Oeg, the greatest scientist on earth has to deliver a speech to his peers and gets really uptight about it. (Is this RAL before his first SF-Convention ?) 

One of the early Lafferty short stories. This is an old-fashioned horror/thriller piece with some black humor.

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Ugly (?) children vs. beautiful children in a rainmaking contest. 

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One of the bogus scientific theory stories complete with the ever unpopular etymology. 

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Recurring theme of teenager behavior indicating or causing a cultural downfall. 

Rather unenjoyable tale about a big animal convention at the place where Austro resides. I probably missed the point, but I wasn't entertained while missing it... 

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Shakespeare, Monkeys, Typewriter, Archangels, Fun

Melancholic piece about -yet again- mankind in a metamorphorical state. 

Good little horror story

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All humanity is poised to do the next move in evolution (or better in progression). Except that the "Worldwide Health Enforcement Wardens" are hellbent on curing the symptoms, even if it means losing the patient in the process.

The three eminent scientists Willy McGilly, Dr. Velikof Vonk and Arpad Arkabaranan on the hunt for the missing link, the Abominable Snowman. Starts of very nicely, but ends a bit lamely. 

Fun story about a brain fever that plagues the northern hemissphere. Suddenly porno stores start selling intellectual books by the truckloads. Sounds like Roy Mega and Austro have their mischievous fingers in this...

"Who turned me on, odd fish ?" Gippo Sharpface
asked as he came in on nervous but exuberant
fox feet, with two dozen books in his arms and
one opened in his left hand. "I was in
Singapore, our mother city, the porno capital of
the world, and it hit me there. 'Why don't you
have Emanuel Visconti's Costive Cosmologies Feed ?'
I howled at the storekeeper.
...
Gippo was all this time speed-reading books and
tossing them over his shoulder behind him like
banana skins. 

Deal with the devil kinda story with a different twist. This is very fun to read, although somewhat routine in content.

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The Institute of Impure Science tries to jump the fence of light. Not quite as inspired as most of the stories with that character set. But a good read anyway.

Pretty good story about 7 AIs and one human. Can the ghosts in the machine be kept under control ?

Just two little snippets from this gem, about a (rich) boy named Oliver and his seashell named Shell:

"I came to you so you wouldn't be lonesome."
"I'm never lonesome with Shell. You think the 
intimacy thing will be all right, then ?"
"I sure do doubt it, but it's worth a try," 
Brenda Frances said. "For me, you're the likeliest 
jackpot in town. Where else would I find such a 
soft head with so much money attached ?"
"We read a seduction scene in a book once, " 
Oliver said. 

also in this story

The dentist left, and he never did return to
his job or to his home. It was later heard of him 
that he had first abandoned dentistry and then life. 

Fun little ditty about a restaurant serving Cabritos. Now how do they get the meat for the Cabrito. Amata the owner is sybillinic on the subject.

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There is schizophrenia here. But not just of the mind! 

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Charming kind of story about an almost unclimbable rock and the persons who climbed it. 

Another seaman story. The usual Lafferty high tale. 

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Two guys make a statue with certain congnitive abilities to prove that there are no innate ideas. Of course it just ain't so...

Great good story about a shrink who steals a client's dream. And that one is a very special dream!

Archeologists excavate "stuff" with the help of two peculiar persons.

But Sheryl Smith finds it : It's an eternal return story, the unsuccessful love that goes on forever. Anteros (=anti + eros) is the man (myth) who loves but can't be loved, and Magdalen is the woman (myth) who is loved but can't love anyone in return. They continue to meet through time, and when they do, it's a catastrophe: she's destroyed by his pursuit, and he's doomed to endless misery. All the translations - that beautiful, acrid verse - are from their encounters in the past, and the story hints that they will continue to meet and destroy each other in the future. It's a gorgeous, painful, beautifully structured tale. The imagery winnows your mind like knives and the symbols ring like gongs.

Fairly straight science fiction story, for a Lafferty anyway. In a fully automated society things are going badly. Did this helpful robot snicker behind your back ?

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Tentatively rated this way. Gotta reread and rerate this sometime, 

Elroy Hunt is a sucker for all childish amusements. It's a nightmare when the doggone highly scientific doors resist his entering Whizzers Amusement Park on opening day.

What if the cave-paintings where done, before the animals depicted existed. Could a comic character Dorg come to live ?

Everyone is waking up with the same dream. So if everyone has the dream, is the dream really a dream ?

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Story about a man (?) that knows all the people in the world by intuition.

The story of a boy who knows everything, all of it being false, but not many seem to notice. 

A pair of researchers are looking for the endangered Spokelspuk. Problem is, noone (?) knows what a Spokelspuk is. Quite hilarious.

Really excellently executed mystery. The mystery isn't that hard to look through, but the cast of characters is very funny.

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People on a ship conjure up a forgotten land -er- Afrika actually. This was actually nominated for some award. Go figure. 

Just the intro:

He was about the last of them.
What ? The last of the great individualists ? The
last of the true creative geniuses of the century ?
The last of the sheer precursors ?
No. No. He was the last of the dolts.
Kids were being born smarter all the time when he
came along, and they would be so forever more. He
was about the last dumb kid ever born. 

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Venture into bullshit science. Really fun to read, but I sure hope there wasn't supposed to be a point to the story. 

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Garamask is out to hunt the animal that killed his friend. But the hunter is really the hunted. Can he turn the tables again ?

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Fun but not quite excellent story about a girl that prefers the dark and smelly and smoky places. 

Maybe the first of Lafferty's many metamorphosis stories. Here mankind regresses to goblin state.

One of the Marc Twainish pieces. Townboy comes to the country and gets spooked by the local family boys.

Starts with one of the better known Lafferty quotes:

When you have shot and killed a man you have in 
some measure clarified your attitude toward him. 
You have given a definite answer to a definite 
problem.For better or worse you have acted 
decisively.
In a way, the next move is up to him.

  Being the only one to know the location of an asteroid makes you certainly interesting. If that asteroid consists of pure gold you're sure to make many new friends. Until you lead them there. 

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Kids have a spooky but fun Halloween, when they visit a graveyard. This piece was put to use in "My heart leaps up" (AFAIK). 

Yet another special-day-on-earth, when everything becomes different. The story isn't really bad, but Lafferty wrote about this topic too often...

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No comment.

Friendly aliens arrive on earth from Skandia. Then more friendly aliens arrive on earth from Skandia. Then more friendly aliens arrive on earth from Skandia. Then more friendly aliens arrive on earth from Skandia. Then more friendly aliens arrive on earth from Skandia. Why. There are now a LOT of friendly aliens from Skandia here. 

Media satire that bites.

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Why read newspapers when you can get 
your information much more directly ?  
Entrails are gut-level books with everything
in them literally.

The beginner is urged to stay with bird entrails
till he is completely proficient, and really 
there is nothing wrong with staying with them 
forever.
Entrails of only one sort are easier to read than
bird entrails, and so these are used to great 
advantage where local custom
permits. 

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A stone robbery attempt from a muslim temple in Mekka. Is it really the Alchemists Stone, the Philosophers stone, the Touch-Stone, the Key-Stone, the speaking stone ? 

The name of the best-known stone in the world is 
unknown. It is usually called the Black Stone of 
Kaaba, but the Kaaba is the name of the building 
that is built around the stone. The Black Stone 
is too holy to have a name, ot to have its name 
known.

...

Selim entered the Kaaba. He was a devout Moslem
and he had certificates to prove it. He passed a 
test in Arabic; and the confidence man, who seemed 
to be well-known, guaranteed him absolutely.

Harry O' Donovan builds a political animal. As the "Eco-Log" tells it: 

   Four pieces needed in this plan
   To make the flaming rocket man
   A mask, a pitch, a brain to whiz it;
   The fourth - well, what the Devil is it? 

The Hog-Belly Honey is about the finest garbage disposal ever invented. Joe Spade and Maurice Maltravers are its inventors. A match made in heaven or in their own words: 

"Maurice and me is partners," 
I tell them all. "We look alike and think alike. 
We even talk alike."
"Save I in the hieratic and he in the demotic,"
Maurice say. 

This is my favorite Lafferty story.

This is SURREAL in capital letters.

N/A This story has only been printed (AFAIK) in the first 70 copies of Dotty.

Play on the "kids from hell" theme. He did this a lot better everywhere else and there's really not much to this particular story. 

A major in the middle of anarchy. Isn't there anyway to get out of this position ? Not if your leg is shackled to the desk with a pin through your leg. Major Giuseppe Juan Schlome O'Hanlon is dying to find a way out... 

Very entertaining story about the time when humanity was much smarter.

Charming story about Ifrit the Genii, who does professional wrestling 

"There is nothing magic about magic" 

Crack-A-Stack is a game with open rules. It "develops character and it teaches flexibility of mind and easy adjustment to events". 

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Surreal and very very funny.

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Just one snippet of this hilarity (here the protagonists are attempting contact with some humanoid alien lifeforms): 

"Talk to them, Father Briton," said Stark. "You
are the linguist"
"Howdy," said the priest.

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Earth pollution has reached a maximum. People are dropping like flies. But it isn't all for the worst. 

What became the transportation means of choice ? The railway or the automobile ? Why, the trains won of course, and god bless - for the world is still a rural paradise. Or isn't it really unfortunate, because America remains stagnant and boring ?

From the intro: "This tale offers an intriguing look at the first seven minutes after the beginning of the world, and the invention of just about everything". The story doesn't make any sense to me.

  The hippies rule the world. And no squareness is allowed. This story is too longwinded and a bit to shallow for its own good. 

A little bit like the 50ies movie "The man with X-ray eyes"; although really not very much like it at all. 

A faith healer breaks down, when his "healing powers" fail him. Very enjoyable.

Longish piece about a shapechanger.

When a stolen piece of earth is returned by aliens, this is good news for a special kind of people all over the world.

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Very Lafferty, very mad. 

One can grow a long set of teeth, waiting for a dead man's leavings.

  The story of Karl Riproar a human torpedo, whose glands were salted with Melerex-X instead of Murder-X. To the disappointment of the parents Epstein Riproar and Nastasia Hectic-Smith 

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  The juice of a mad man is just the stuff missing for the dominant android population. Now keep those humans mad... 

Four short pieces held together by a short story frame. Quite like Tongues of the Matagorda in a way. 

Special chewing gum as an eye opener. Sounds like a LSD story and maybe it even is ? Can you even get LSD in Tulsa/Oklahoma ? 

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The great Zambesi is an average stage magician. Except for one trick nobody can duplicate... 

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A swedish Voodoo puppeteer at work...

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An inventor turns sour, when his agents fail to see the genius in his devices. 

An almost realistic wartime anecdote. It excels in execution and style.

Maybe Jones looking for the ultimate city all over the universe. The Perfect Place. Maybe he will luck out at the "Bureau of Wonderful Cities", which advertises: 

Hey, get in on this if you're going to. They're
building it now! If you are an arty duck or a 
philosophy buff or a peace-and-benevolence beat, 
then you can go to hell - to your own appropriate 
bureau - and be heard. But if you go for the 
high-old-time stuff, then make your wants known 
here.

Prime Lafferty. Can a flea circus save the USA from annihilation ? No but... 

Will the human race become extinct because a british spinster doesn't want to lose her virginity ?

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Were you bothered that we entered the age of Aquarius ? Maybe one should be more nervous about the chinese astrology ? The age of the ape is ending, and the age of the cat is beginning.  A transformation piece.

Starts of so nicely, but ends in chaos.

"Properly to carry out the next assignment for
this class, it will be necessary that you die",
the instructor said. "Some of you may not want to
do this. If you do not, I will have to demerit you 
as for 
any other neglected assignment. 

The name of the snake is "sin" and missionary Padreco Barnaby is desperate to find some on this sinless alien planet. 

Willy McGilly saves the day for Clarence Big-Saddle, whose land used to be the last unsettled part of the country under the "Homestead Act". Used to be! Now it has been claimed by an obnoxious family that won't give up so easily as all the others.

Somewhat pointless but nevertheless entertaining story about Mother Conchita Moderas Chili Powder that contains no chili at all, but instead some of the strong stuff root and some of the smart stuff root. It's really working on folks. (Yeah but so what ?)

What to do when your elders refuse to die ? Well shelve 'em! 

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  Islands made out of precious building material float in the air. End of story. 

Exalted practical joker dies laughing. But the joke was on him.

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Slightly routine in content, but very funny in style. Oh, this story is almost excellent. A cook has to serve exquisite dishes to save his life.

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This is one of the very best Lafferty stories, surrealistic, very funny and profound too. The story of a Dookh Doctor, who treats an Amoeba who's got problems with a pseudo-pod.

Collection of hairraising practical jokes, played at Halloween. It's all true of course... 

It was dark by five in the afternoon and the
rain and the thunder were so loud that we 
couldn't be heard. We dug a pit eight feet square 
and eight feet deep along the side of Kalbfleish's 
front porch. We jimmied several down-spouts, we 
dammed up a couple of runnels, and that pit was 
filling nicely. 

For whatever reason I find this very poetic... 

A man who became the idol of millions of mother-loving spiders. Notable dialogue (in a psychic ward): 

"No, no, Doctor, not insane. They are absolutely 
reasonable - according to the Higher Reason. They 
are organized and directed and strictly on 
schedule. To call the incidents insane would be 
almost like calling me insane."

"Mr. Scarble, we don't keep you here for your 
pool-shooting ability, though you're good at that. 
We keep you here because you're very sick - 
mentally. Now listen to me carefully: You are a 
man, and not a spider."  

McSkee lives the right way, one day at a time. Taking some pauses inbetween those days... 

Scientific experiment: Can a society of -um- intelligent microdust be inventive enough to avoid their sure fate ? 

Really routine in content, but very good in style. You can see the punchline coming from a mile, and it is disappointing that Lafferty wrote it in.

Really twisted tale about Jim Snapjudge, the Prejudice Guy who meets some unprejudiced little ducks. 

A man breaks out of his rut. And discovers... that he made a serious mistake (maybe). The ending is maybe a trifle cliche, but the rest is really well done.

Dispatched to the Pani Planet Colonel Zornig has to figure out a way to survive the lingering threat of extinction. This story doesn't end with a twist, it twists to the end.

Earth is invaded by aliens, that threaten to enslave half the population and obsolete the other half. At least one of the halves doesn't seem to mind.

Death and rebirth of an ancient Phoenician. Story with charme, but not all that special, really.

A fun, brutal, tight battle of a man against a hog-alien. 

A very short and very horrifying story.

I'll give the point of the story away. Man actually regressed from homo neanderthalis to homo sapiens. 

Politeness is taken to an unbelievable extreme on Pudibundia. People who visited tell funny stories about it, then die... What's going on ?

More scientific exploration of this planet.

Trouble in the 'Alien Analysis Center'. The aliens analyze the human analyzers. That's about it. 

Camiroi a planet populated by humanoids has its own unique way of educating children. Its really a conservatives dream come true, but not without wit. 

Petronilla Ashley Noble is a woman with smarts. She won't be outsmarted by no small kid and surely not by some insurance company.

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The protagonist chooses between madness or sanity. He makes a sane decision, but it doesn't help him...

Higgston Rainbird has the opportunity of a lifetime (?). He can go back in time to meet his younger self and guide him. Will this improve his life ?

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Beautiful melancholic piece about the Shelni people facing the fate of the Dodo. 

Ok or excellent ? I don't know. Roy Mega and Austro along with the "worst actor of the year" Khalid, fake history and brainwash the minds of earth population with their "crackpot science".

Amusing musings about the ice age, the melting of the polar caps and the resultant water level.

If I had the strength of my youth, I'd show those young kids.... Well with the help of the royal stuff, five oldtimers do make a furious comeback. For a while at least...

A kid story about a new kid in a small souther town, who is sentenced to death by the local urchins... unless another new kid arrives just in time.

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Another short story that holds many small grotesque episodes together. 

The eminent scientists Vonk, McGilly and Arkabaranan are puzzled, why do so many things disappear around the house of the Willoughbys ? Well, Willy McGilly as usual knows the answer but isn't helping much. This story is short with a very sweet ending.

Charles Vincent wakes up to a world, that is a hundred times slower than himself. Great fun is to be had! But as always the piper demands his toll in the end. 

Humourous tall tale that fills in parts of the missing chapters in Marco Polos travel stories. An amusing read.

Slightly routine story about a funny little street, where funny little people teach you the value of even the slightest thing and the financial advantages of living a long life. Cut your expenses!

Four sky-divers get really high on sky-diving. A good sky-diver can dive forever, if he just keeps missing the earth by a fraction. 

On a slow tuesday night you can't get a whole lot done. At the most two divorces with subsequent marriages. Maybe you can squeeze the premiere of your new play inbetween ; possibly massmarket one but only one product. But that's about it.

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Can Gatto the Cat-Burglar or Cat-Ghost penetrate the defenses of Emil Fuerst's home. Emil, the owner of "Safety Fuerst Devices and Installations Enterprises", doesn't think so: "A goldfish couldn't get into it, and goldfish have tried" 

  A romanciers dream. Six critics are slain, who can't appreciate the work of the creator. 

A new census is taken. The census taker makes the mistake of being too thorough with the check of the inhabitants of the area. After he is done with the 10 regular people in the area, he starts to wonder: 

Now - in one way of looking at it - his part in 
the census was finished. If only he had looked at 
it that way, he would have saved worry and trouble 
for everyone, and also ten thousand lives. But the 
instructions they had given him here were ambigous, 
for all that they had tried to make them clear.

So very early the next morning, Manuel rose and 
cooked beans and said, "Might as well take them 
all."

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Somewhat incoherent story about a small village becoming infested with eidolons. Or some such.

So they did. They carried it through.  And, 
for a week there , they had one of the great affairs  
of the century.  Well, maybe it was a bad century. 
And maybe the great affairs are pretty ordinary 
when they are stripped down.

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The "Rushlight" theatre performs a one-of-a-kind performance, where the actors get really into the action. 

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One of the few Lafferty war stories. The setting is in WWII, but the action is rather peaceful. Nice story.

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A gang of seven explorers lands on a planet, occupied by big squirrels that rob them blind. The peculiar critters take a real liking to the horror comics of the crew. Then things get real funny. 

If you inherit a machine from your late worst enemy, and it makes you wealthier than ever. There can't be a catch to it, can there ? 

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More of a conventional werewolf horror story in Lafferty style. In the end horror gives way to surrealism. I dunno, I liked it very much till close to the end but the end I didn't like very much, I dunno.

"How is the world perceived by my colleagues ?" asks himself Gregory Smirnov, a member of the institue of impure science. And he will find out shortly to his suprise and shock. 

The insitute of impure science tries to tamper with history, but fails everytime. This features the favorite cast of characters. Although I think the portrayal of history is dubious , this is still one of my favorite stories.

Five dying men waiting for rain tell their lifes. This is a very good story, but not quite excellent.

Another variation of the "small girl with power" theme. Aliens grant the girl with the red cap superpowers. And she's taking a liking to voodoo practices - using the globe as a puppet!

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Upstart detective agency solves two cases for $4.99. This is one of the funniest pieces Lafferty has written. 

Fun piece about a hoax, who doesn't know they are hoaxes. (sic!) 

A small gem. A sailors yarn, tragic, poetic yet blended with the dark Lafferty humor. 

You know how things turn out if these lines aren't found in the last chapter... 

Floating Justice was achieved. All inequities 
were compensated. The meanest and weakest man 
in the universe now possessed the Ultimate Treasure 
of the universe. Naturally they were happy. And 
naturally their happiness endured.
"There wasn't a catch to it ?" you ask out of a 
crooked face. "There is always a catch to it. It 
always goes sour at the end."

Too religious for my taste, but not bad. 

Not long ago, a major disaster happened to 
mankind. Or else it was a rather droll 
non-happening. Something was reported to be lost, 
but the name of that something doesn't seem to 
mean anything at all. 

First published work. RAL already shows his style, that won't change all that much over the years.

Shapeless alien is marooned on earth. 

Routine piece. Austro and the gang go Dinosaur hunting, but they can't start the hunt until Austro's dog arrives. Yup. You guessed right. 

The insitute of impure science on another bold venture. Can you infer something from a pattern of absences of certain facts ? 

The continental drift wasn't and will not be as slow as previously thought.

Fun but routine. Somewhat similiar to "The Ungodly Mice of Doctor Drakos" 

Planet Aphtonia is a marvel of fertility. Two men and three women enter the planet. By god there's sex in a Lafferty story, though not very much of course. 

Routine Lafferty. 

Another story with the Impure Institute cast. One of these bogus history pieces mixed with etymology.

"Here's another one that Epikt received from an uncertified person," Gregory said. "It's signed Damn Knecht or Damn Knight an odd name in either case.

Lafferty refers to Damon Knight here.

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It's a little mystery!! And it starts off thusly: 

Gilford Gadberry had a contempt for dawns badly
done. He knew how blatant and stylized the outdoor 
world can be in its pristine moments: the 
contrived shagginess of grass, the stupidity of 
trees, the falsity of flowers, the oafishness of 
the birds and their inept melody.

N/A Unpublished. See Continued on Next Tock Blog for more details.

N/A Unpublished. Read more about it on the Continued on Next Rock Blog

A story about the sale of a diamond. Nice story, great Lafferty style. But the "trick" is so obscured, that it's not really a very good story in my opinion. Read more about it on the Continued on Next Rock Blog

Unpublished. Read more about it on the Continued on Next Rock Blog

N/A Unpublished. Read more about it on the Continued on Next Rock Blog

Probably one of his late works. Some characters make various pronouncements and aren't shy to be extremely wordy about it. Then people are thrown into another situation, some killing happens, in the end faith wins.

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Contributors: Johan Elzer, Sheryl Smith